Here's What I Learned In Pediatrics:

aka: A post that I wrote and never published, probably because I wasn't done learning! Or because I have a short attention span and forgot it existed. So here you go.

1. It is surprisingly difficult to make a kid open their mouth when they don't want to. They have little piranha jaws and I don't want my fingers to be their next meal.

2. There is just a never-ending supply of screams.

3. If I ever want to have kids, then I needed to get married yesterday. Old mothers=Down's syndrome. Old fathers=Autism. There is no winning either way. I love Autistic kids, but what I love more is sending them home with their parents. From the way they scream, you'd think my stethoscope had been dipped in molten lava or something. It sounds callous, but I'm being completely serious. The possibility of having a kid with Autism is so scary that it makes me just want to skip the whole genetic lottery of having children altogether because its heartbreaking to watch those families in the office and know that they never get a break from it.

4. Hyperbaric oxygen therapy can cure any ailment if you have enough money. Diabetic ulcers? Definitely. Cerebral Palsy? Yep. Autism? There's no proven evidence, you say. Oh well, why not? Arthritis? Who knows, but we're not going to say no if you want to fork over $100 every day for two weeks to lay in a glass coffin while the magic oxygen rushes around you.

5. Fanny packs are making a comeback, heaven help us.

6. All doctors are assholes. This is what my attending told me at least once a day. I didn't quite have the guts to ask her what that makes her then.